This weekend will mark my “singleship” at one official week – for the first time in over two years. It’s a strange place to be. Not because just over two years is particularly or remarkably long, although I must confess that it is the longest relationship I’ve ever had, but because I didn’t expect to be single again. This was the relationship that I thought I would spend the rest of my life in. I would have bet money on it. I would have bet lots of things on it. Thank god it never came down to betting.
I think the worst part is retraining myself not to depend on that particular person. Not in the sense of material things or money, although that’s been interesting for me too, beings that I have none, but more on the emotional end of things. When something great or exciting has happened, my first instinct is to call him and tell him. That’s no longer appropriate, and apparently it’s no longer emotionally healthy to do so. When things are really difficult, I know how to confide in him, and yet I can’t. In fact, calling him seems to be a moot point. I am reminded again and again – we aren’t together anymore. How do years of connection turn into nothing so quickly? Perhaps the bigger question is, where is the line between staying friends and not being together any longer? There’s a good chance there is no “staying friends.”
It seems that everyone ends a relationship by remaining friends. In my experience, it never works, and the more serious the relationship was, the more difficult t is to transition into any other type of relationship, including friendship. My rational mind knows this. It’s that damn emotional mind that hasn’t seemed to learn the lesson. I know it won’t work. I know no one can actually do it. I still hope that this time we can stay friends. The problem is, I can stay friends with exes, but that’s only because I have learned to be very comfortable with blurred boundaries (the fuzzier the better!). Most other people? Not so much. Hence, I always find myself trying to be friends. Trying to be inclusive. Trying to maintain connections. Trying not to act like it doesn’t hurt when the other person pulls away entirely because they can’t handle the relationship transition.
I feel very alone.