clearly clarity

Have you ever met one of those people who seems to know exactly what they want at all times and in all situations? You may even BE one of those people. If you are, answer me – and the rest of the mis-guided, clambering world – how do you do it? Let me be more clear (pun not intended). How is it that you quickly and decisively sort through all of the options, possible consequences, your own feelings and emotions, etc. thoroughly enough to make a guided and direct decision in a matter of minutes?

I don’t have the answer to that question, and answering that question is not really the purpose of this blog. Hell, I have spent the last twenty years of my life trying to figure out “what I want to be when I grow up” and have yet to come up with an answer, let alone a clear one. But I’m not just talking about the big, life-long, burning questions – you know the ones: ” do you want to be when you grow up?” “Do you want to have children?” “What would you say your life goals are?” – I’m talking about every day questions that sometimes plague us, or maybe it’s just me. I can come up with at least seventeen reasons why making chicken for dinner could be detrimental. Or twenty as to why that same chicken could lead to happiness all around. For some reason, at this point in my life, I find myself plagued by the options – from whether or not to get married to what to have for dinner.

I am equally terrified that a) I will run out of time if I don’t make a decision eventually; b) I will make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life (or the rest of the day, in some cases); and c) Making a decision will inevitably run me out of options until I eventually find myself cornered and unhappy, wishing I once again had options.  You can see why this is a problem. I makes me hesitant to move forward – even on things I’m sure that I want. I makes it difficult to be decisive, rendering me generally ineffective and making people assume I am wishy-washy or laid back (two things I really am not). Worst of all, it leaves me in a position of constantly reacting to the decisions that other people are able to make.

I must admit that I do find myself jealous of the people who seem to have it all together – the ones that know what they want all the time. On the same hand, I can’t help but think that this somewhat irrational fear that I have developed has at least partially come from watching the many (so many) of “those” people in my life make their unquestionable decisions and very tragically come to regret them. Or maybe it stems from a fear of failing. From watching those around me fail and being told that I had to be different. Or maybe it comes from a subconscious fear of events that occurred the times in my life when I was decisive and unafraid. Maybe it is all of these things.

I am not sure how to battle this ailment. I am not sure how to go about facing this fear. I do know that I cannot continue to watch my life happen and simply live in a constant response to it. I need to begin to move forward in a very deliberate manner, and yet for as much as I know that as truth, it seems equally as unattainable.


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