I have certainly expressed some level of dissatisfaction with the way of my relationships in the past. In fact, the last several posts have been about my relationship horror stories – and trust me, nothing excites me like going on yet another horrific date for entertainment’s sake. I have been known to justify arguably horrible experiences with, “Well, at least this’ll make a good post.”
There are times, however, when I just don’t get it, and no amount of entertainment can keep me from throwing up my hands and succumbing to the urge to strangle the next male thing that walks by (and don’t even get me started on women, they’re just as bad). Like any good twenty-something, I poured this frustration out to one of my favorite bartenders just after a certain musician who had been making the most obvious eyes EVER at me all night walked out without so much as introducing himself.
I began the conversation as civilly as could be expected.
“Guys are idiots.”
Needless to say, bartender was not pleased with my obvious generalization. I fought the urge to tell him to read my blog first and then try and tell me I was wrong, but I let him defend his sex.
“Not all guys are idiots. People just have problems in relationships – what guys need is really very simple. There are a few key elements of guy-need.”
“Oh? I must be missing something, then. Enlighten me. Please.”
“Every guy you date is gonna have some hobby that he really likes. You’ll hate it, for some reason. But he’s gonna want to have time to do it without hearing about how much you hate it. And, no, he doesn’t ‘love’ his hobby more than he loves you, he just likes it. For me, it’s my cars. I’m not rushing home and having sexy time with my cars, so obviously I don’t love them more than my girlfriend, but, you know, I like ’em.”
“Ok. Fair enough. What else?”
“Trust. It’s a big deal. If he’s never given you a reason to doubt him, then chances are he’s not going to rush off and sleep with the next chick that speaks to him who isn’t you. Let’s say I’m going to — Vegas. With the boys. Giving you a the status update every three minutes is not what I wanna do. Let’s be honest – guys don’t go to Vegas to have tea and krumpets, but that doesn’t automatically mean I’m doing the next stripper I see.”
“That seems like sound advice. But I’m actually really good at those two things.”(and by that I meant giving space and trust – not cars and doing strippers)
He looked at me doubtfully. “It’s like a — a pie chart.”
“Every relationship is a pie chart – you have ‘me time’, ‘you time’, ‘us time’, ‘sexy time’, and, uh, ‘sleep’. You just have to get the sections of your love pie to be the right size. If the parts are at the wrong balance, you’re doomed. It’s not that guys are idiots, all the time, it’s that your pie chart is off.”
Well, readers, it may have been the vodka, but that seemed like pretty sound advice to me at the time. So, according to the logic of bartender, the following charts sum up my trouble in relationships:
Here’s a little visual sample of the two extremes I usually end up with (ps- notice my pie-chart-making skills …)
So, touche, favorite bartender. I made my pie charts… let’s see if the universe is listening.